5 reasons why I don’t want to retire my husband

5 reasons why I don’t want to retire my husbandI changed my mind…I don’t want my man to work in my business, because it doesn’t fit with my relationship values.

When our daughter was but a twinkle in our lovers’ eyes, we talked about how wanted to be as parents, what we wanted for ourselves, individually, and what we wanted for our future children. Bringing my business online was part of the plan with the intention to retire my love (boyfriend, not husband, our kids have his surname ‘just in case’!) so that he could work with me in my business to give us ultimate freedom based living…

…or so we thought.

When I became pregnant I brought my business online because I knew I wanted to work from home as a hands on mum and we wanted location independence as a family.
We work well together in my business each having a very clear differentiation of tasks so it made/makes sense.
It wasn’t until we experienced this vision for real, several times, on 3 different continents, with me being the sole income earner, that we realised it’s not the best thing for us as a couple or family.

The truth is, this didn’t turn out to be the freedom based dream we thought it would be. Don’t get me wrong, we’re extremely grateful for the times I’ve been the sole income earner so that we could travel the world spending an immense amount of family time together (we can live in each others’ pockets quite happily), we loved this, but as a person, a partner, a mother, it didn’t turn out to be what I want. I also like to have moments where business growth isn’t always in the back (or forefront) of my mind.

Here’s why:

1. It’s a lot of pressure to be the sole income earner once you have children.

The reality is that as a mum of little ones you still need to get up at night and then have to perform during the day. The pressure to constantly get out there to bring in income when during those times when I’ve felt tired due to ‘life happening’, or at times when all I really wanted is to go out and play with my family meant that many-a-time I took my foot of the business gas (I always prioritise family) but then found the business side more stressful to keep up with.
And that’s not why I’m doing this.
I avoid stress and busy-ness as much as possible. The myth is that once your business reaches a certain income level it stays that way. Yes it’s easier. Yes it means you’re likely to make money every month without having to do any marketing as clients come to you, but the level at which you want and need to earn for the family is what brings the pressure. That constant ‘on’ factor, doesn’t sit well with my slow living personality. My business is successful, six figures is great, but it’s not the golden ticket to a happy life.

2. I was more in my masculine than I want to be in my relationship.

It’s my business so it’s me calling the shots. I love my work. I love that I get to choose. I love that I dictate the who, what, why, when, where when it comes to my work.
I also want to lean into my feminine as a woman and mother in a way that allows me to receive from my partner. One part of that is being able to take time off and feel financially supported by him. I’m not saying I would prefer to be a full time mum, I’m not cut out for that. It’s the feeling of being the sole income earner that took me away from the feminine energy I want to experience in my relationship. It’s about letting go of control. It’s about giving and receiving. When you’re the kale winner, that’s harder to do. I’m grateful to have an incredible man who supports me in every way and I want to honour him in this way. As a fellow coach said “it makes for a better motherhood and marriage experience when your partner has a job”

3. I don’t want to be his boss.

Even with different roles and responsibilities and much as he loves helping out and working with me in my business when we’re location independent, I’m still running the ship. It’s my business. It’s my passion. I’ll always be the boss and that impacts our relationship from my feminine/masculine point of view. Although he has free space to create it didn’t feel good to give my ‘approval’.

4. It felt weird when my daughter was more attached to her papa than she was to me.

I’m her mama. I love him being hands on but when we were travelling and I was the sole income earner, I wasn’t fully into that particular parent-balance we had. He is extremely supportive, always has been and I wouldn’t change that for the world (he’s quite honestly the most incredible man I know and just writing this makes me fall in love with him even more). I know, we can both be very present parents, but the parent-balance with me working and him being the full time dad was shifting in a way that didn’t feel fully aligned for me. That’s what it comes down to – honouring my primary purpose in this life, being the person, girlfriend and mother that I want to be, and then the business owner.

5. I want more romance.

I don’t want to talk about business all the time. It gets too insular. I want constant reminders of the wider world out there. Business is a part of me, it’s not my entire life and when we both worked in my business, the work to-dos invariably came up more often than either of us wanted. Don’t get me wrong, it’s interesting and worthwhile and we love the freedom it gives us to spend every so much free time together and choose every aspect of how and where we spend our time…but we realised that that doesn’t = freedom based living for us. It all comes back to the feeling. It’s not about the practical possibilities, it’s about the experienced reality. I wanted more time together for us as a couple rather than us as business partners. Think about how much time you spend at work/thinking about work. More of that spent on romance and love please!

This is a highly personal topic and one that is different for couples as it is for families – I’d love to hear your thoughts and experiences around this.

Do you plan on retiring your husband? Do you already work together? Do you want to work together – why/why not?

Caroline Cain

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